I have this problem where I just want to help everyone. I feel bad for everyone I meet, and I want to improve their lives in any way possible. All the people I’ve dated have needed saving and I was the one who was there to pull them to shore and make them wake the fuck up. But it’s taken years for me to finally realize that I can’t save everyone. And no matter how hard I try to change people’s lives for the better, I will never succeed. I’d like to think that when I walk away from people that I’ve somehow improved them. But who the fuck am I trying to kid? If I can’t even save myself why would I be able to fix anyone else? It’s time to focus on me. You are not my responsibility.
Why are some memories more prominent than others? I can’t even remember the first time I heard your name. But I can clearly recall times when I’ve said stupid things or embarrassed myself in front of you. I’d think that my mind would rather remember the more important memories but I guess not. My brain is just a collection of useless information.
And what is an “instant” death anyway? How long is an instant? Is it one second? Ten? The pain of those seconds must have been awful as her heart burst and her lungs collapsed and there was no air and no blood to her brain and only raw panic. What the hell is instant? Nothing is instant. instant rice takes five minutes, instant pudding an hour. I doubt that an instant of blinding pain feels particularly instantaneous.
If only we could see the endless string of consequences that result from our smallest actions. But we can’t know better until knowing better is useless.
I miss the days when I had all the time in the world to do anything I wanted, like read good books and make art.